Lindsay Lohan is not alone in her role as a primordial male-destroyer in the forthcoming Machete — Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, and other femmes fatale do their duty as well.
But her unabashed, indeed celebratory approach to her assignment as a heartless castrating siren is unmatched. And whereas Alba is apologetic about her role as a sex symbol and vows to tone it down, Lohan enjoys her mastery of the penis-brained species. LiLo has, in fact, defied her father’s efforts to quash her die-for-me appearance as a sister of death in the movie.
See the leaked nude stills from the movie, lower right. Wow.
Yah, yah. She’s a Disney brat. She likes to party. She’s defied a (drumroll please) a ridiculous L.A. judge.
Maybe that’s part of her charm. Lindsay Lohan is the innocent child who has grown up to drive men to madness, despair, and death — and, charmingly, as a stable lesbian, doesn’t care a whit about male affirmation.
She’s thus hit #1 on our Celebrity Dominatrix Power Rankings, and happily aloof from the rantings of the male hyp-ocracy. Long may she reign.
(Image use by permission, TVShark.com and Hollyscoop.com, all rights reserved, and under the Fair Use Doctrine. The image is a reduced-quality still used for purposes of critical discussion only.)
LIKE SO MANY Disney-style brats gone bad, Lindsay Lohan morphed from lovable twin to worn-out cliche by the time she was old enough to be tried outside of juvie. At least, that is the facile criticism leveled by flash-poppers and e-zine critics — none of whom, come to think of it, have as much talent as Lohan does in her toenail clippings. Welcome to pop modernity.
In fact, however, she’s demonstrated a real resiliency, and more than a little spunk, in recent years. We’re prepared to say Ms. Lohan is becoming one of our favorite girlydoms this side of Megan “whoever has the vagina is in charge” Fox.
Here’s five reasons we just adore femme-dominatrix Lindsay Lohan:
# 1. It’s trendy to trash her.
For our money, she’s nevertheless made mostly good choices about the movies she makes — Mean Girls is a classic — and accepts the weasels she has to deal with graciously. “It’s flattering that people want to know so much about me and want to take the time to make up that many things about me.”
Nor does she engage in that now-fashionable Hollywood pastime of bashing others to deflect attention from herself. Compared to Britney Spears unfavorably as another pop star allegedly falling apart, Lohan stuck to her guns. “How can you not like Britney Spears?” Similarly:
# 2. She doesn’t take herself too seriously.
We loved Lohan’s femme fatale pose on the cover of Radar Online (upper right) several summers ago, poking fun at herself by modeling with tommy-guns and other instruments of death while declaring war on the paparazzi that have hounded her since her Parent Trap days. At the same time, it was dead sexy — a Denise Richards hairdo together with a bit more saucy attitude and taut legs and tush.
And if you thought the cover was hot, you should watch the video of the shoot. Lohan vamps as if she’s quite at home with the gun, and seems quite comfortable with the idea of dispatching multiple males.
Also with Radar’s permission, we’re posting a clip of the video to the left, and will archive it against the possibility that the YouTube Nazis later decide it doesn’t merit space on their prestigious and intellectually rigorous site. (Constantly plagued by the vagaries of YouTube, we’ll do our best to keep these videos up and running.)
# 3. She dates well.
According to multiple reports, Lohan’s latest love interest is supermodel Indrani — half of the respected lens duo of Markus Klinko and Indrani. Indrani, 36, is un homme serieux, a Princeton grad, and a young lady with serious political and social ideas. Leave it to Fox News to belittle the Indrani as Lohan’s “cougar girlfriend,” but we think its a nice match.
And as the matchup also suggests…
# 4. She doesn’t need men.
As she reportedly told a friend who works at one of entertainment shows, “men are superfluous.” All the more reason, of course, why so many men find her irresistible. The male species always wants what it can’t have, and what it can’t have, since the invention of modern birth control, high heels, cock-lock devices, and stockings, is woman.
This reprise (see right) of the classic Bardot pose from Lohan’s 2006 shoot says it all — the pantyhose, the crossed arms and legs. Everything combines to block male access and frustrate the male orgasm, or at least, rework it into a useful tool for use by intelligent females.
# 5. She enjoys herself. BMFD.
A world with more Lindsay Lohans would be a world with more beauty, more parties, and more servile males, serving at the feet of the beautiful women who are partying on top of the servile males.
In the words of Paul McCartney, “and what’s wrong with that?”
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